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Blog: 2015
SHYNESS AND SELF ESTEEM
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In general, we can say that a shy person will be uncomfortable in social situations and tries to avoid
them or, if not possible, go unnoticed. The cause of this behavior is the feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem that shy people feel. When afraid to do or say something that may cause rejection by others,
they prefer to avoid exposure to these potential criticisms, remaining silent and inactive and staying out.
Lack of self confidence is the basis of shyness. There are many techniques that can help us improve:
anxiety control techniques, improved self-esteem, better social skills, emotional control, assertiveness.
AT WORK
Choose the most direct way you can communicate: Try to answer emails and telephone conversations
with telephone face to face conversations whenever possible. Think of people in your work environment
with which the relationship has cooled down and renew that relationship. You can try to coincide with
them at coffee breaks or meet with them to discuss any work related matters. Act naturally and
informally, talking to that person even if only to find out how he/she is.
Attend social events organized by the company and try to socialize, get new contacts and enhance your
relationships.
Join in activities that require you to talk and give your opinion in front of others (writing workshops,
book clubs, focus groups ...).
ACTIVITIES
Creative activities: Browse within your qualities which creative activity you could practice. Maybe you
like to draw, write, dance or sing, act ... Practicing any of these activities will allow you to integrate into
a group, and training qualities that you can be proud of.
Sign up for classes: Surely there is a topic that interests you and you would like to learn more about.
Most importantly; you will meet new people.
Join a gym: Apart from improving your physique, which increases your self esteem, regular exercise
helps to reduce anxiety.
Walk: If the gym is too much for you, walking every day will also help. It will help you feel more active,
reduces anxiety and protects you from depression.
Hobbies: Find and pratice any activity that allows you to develop your skills, have fun and meet people
that share your hobby.
TECHNICAL
• Know your shyness: Each shyness case is unique and therefore you need to understand yours. It
analyze in which situations it manifests, what physical symptoms you notice, what thoughts come to
your mind...
• Make a list of the qualities that make you feel shy and strategies that could help you overcome each
one. For example, if you discover that you're embarrassed to talk to girls because you have not had
much contact with them, find someone in your class or work that seems accessible and begin with
greeting her and try to hold a conversation.
• Recognize that the world is not looking at you: People are not watching you, waiting to see if you're
make a mistake or blush to make fun of you or to reject you
• Analyze people and situations that make you feel comfortable: Find the common characteristics of
those people and situations and you will find out many new things about yourself. When you realize
these things, maybe you can stop torturing yourself for not fitting in situations where you do not really
want to be.
• Keep a journal: If you start making changes, note the techniques you use every day, what results you
had, how you felt, what thoughts came to mind ... It will help you to realize the points that you should
keep working on and to evaluate your improvement and motivate you.
SELF ESTEEM
• See the others as normal human beings and do not idealize the people around you. They are people
like you, with their qualities and flaws, with their manias and fears.
• Remember that others are shy too. Think that it's possible that the person you are having a
conversation with is as nervous as you and notice how your anxiety reduces.
• Find your strengths and qualities: Make a list of all your positive qualities and try to keep them in mind
when it comes to value yourself.
• Appreciate yourself: You must learn to value yourself and accept yourself, see yourself positively.
You're a unique and special human being, with many positive qualities to offer to the world but you
cannot show them if you are not aware of them.
• Do not have to be like everyone else: Do not try to be like everyone else just to fit in artificially. It's
good to be different.
• Accept Rejection: It's something that happens to everyone. Try not to dramatize and make a big deal
of it.
• Abandon the ideas of perfectionism: We all make mistakes and we should see them as a learning
experience for the future.
• Do not label yourself: Do not label yourself as shy and think that you cannot do anything about it
because "that’s how you are."
• Think about the accomplishments you have achieved and remember these to improve your self-esteem.
• Give importance to your needs :. You have the right to ask for what you want and to be listened to.
Start by recognizing your needs and then practice with nearby people.
TECHNICAL
• Press your limits gradually: You can start by greeting ten people a day, after that having a conversation
with someone new every day...
• Make an effort to find new friends. Frequent new environments, try to improve the relationship with
your acquaintances, find new people ...
• Relax with breathing exercises.
• Relax with physical exercises.
• Visualisation: This is to imagine yourself in a social situation that you find threatening. In this scenario
try to imagine yourself relaxed and functioning normally, trying to focus on all the details to make the
image as realistic as possible. This will reduce your anxiety when you have to face the situation as it
works as pratice.
• Repeat positive thoughts: You must get used to repeating thoughts about your qualities and your
possibilities of success.
• Do not abandon uncomfortable situations: you must endure because anxiety is like a wave: it rises up
to a maximum and then decreases naturally. If you can hold, you'll see the maximum anxiety you feel
reducing and disappearing in many situations.
• Practice social skills: You can start with familiar people around you. There are many skills to practice
(say hello, start a conversation, ask a favor, thank someone, apologize...)
CONVERSATION TECHNIQUES
• Ask open-ended questions: Do not ask questions that can be answered with a yes or a no. "What do
you think about ...?" Or "What do you know about ...?". Peoplelike to give their opinion and you will
manage to make people speak instead of focusing on your anxiety, enabling you to relax.
• Laugh freely: You should not feel embarrassed to laugh if a situation or comment are funny to you.
• Focus attention on the other person: Use more "you" and less "me" and you will make the other
person become the center of conversation.
• Focus attention on the moment: Focus on the situation you're living in at the present moment. Do you
get distracted thinking about past failures or what will happen in the future.
• Accept compliments: Do not be ashamed when someone says something good.
• Compliment others: People like others to tell them positive things.
• Surround yourself with positive people: Being with people who criticize and only see the negative will
not improve your self esteem and help you overcome shyness.
• Nonverbal communication: Remember to maintain eye contact. Remember to smile naturally.
TECHNIQUES FOR FITTING IN
• Eye contact: You have to try to maintain eye contact with the person speaking to you. The other
person may interpret you not maintaining eye contact as you being bored or lack of attention. Look at
the other persons face, shifting focus to the eyes occasionally and combine this with other gestures of
affirmation, questions on the subject and smile.
• Smile: A natural and sincere smile is the best way to get the other person to open up to you. You will
give the impression of being an open person.
• Keep your attention on the other person: Instead of focusing on your thoughts and if you're doing
right or wrong, try to pay attention to what the other person is saying and try to be comfortable.
GROUPS
• Find someone you already know or that you find unthreatening and join that person. You cease to be
isolated and you stop thinking that you are alone against the group or that the others are watching you.
• Do not push yourself too hard: Nobody is expecting you to be the soul of the meeting, so spend the
first few minutes to relax and greet people, without forcing anything else.
• Leverage your strengths: If at any time the conversation is routed to a topic you master, try to make a
short speech. Try to be spontaneous and not thinking about whether it is adequate to speak or not, or
what others think.
• Do not see groups in general as something to large for you. A group consists of individuals like you. If
you talk, focus your eyes on a person that inspires confidence in you and maintain eye contact, until you
feel confident enough to look at the rest of the group.
• Try to be positive: You can use relaxation or visualization techniques to address these situations with
greater confidence and optimism.
Silvia Asencio
Psychologist Nike Air Max Thea Premium Metallic Red Bronze, Nike Air Max 90 Leather Metallic Red Bronze, Nike Air Max 200 - Women's Metallic Red Bronze/red Bronze/blue | Holiday Sparkle Pack http://ebysuperbsport.com/250-nike-air-max-thea-premium-metallic-red-bronze-nike-air-max-90-leather-metallic-red-bronze-nike-air-max-200-women-s-metallic-red.html
WHAT ARE SOCIAL SKILLS?
SOCIAL SKILLS ARE:
A set of behaviours, thoughts and emotions that increase our ability to:
• maintain satisfactory relationships
• feel good
• obtain what we want
• that others do not prevent us from achieving our objectives
Main areas of social skills: EMPATHY AND ASSERTIVENESS
EMPATHY
To empathize is put yourself in somebody else’s shoes, understand and comprehend its views,
circumstances and feelings without having to identify ourselves with it.
But it is not enough to understand and comprehend, it is very important to make the other feel
understood, for what we use phrases like: "I can imagine how you feel", "I understand you"...
To empathize, we have to follow three steps:
• The first step will be to observe the non-verbal behavior: we will discuss what our
interlocutor, consciously or unconsciously conveys through his gestures and movements.
• The second step is to carry out a good listening.
• The third, and last step is to empathize, is to understand and demonstrate that we
have understood: for example we can say: "I understand perfectly your discomfort."
Always tuning in with their emotion.
The components of social skills are:
• Verbal components: make reference to the content of the conversation, which is the tool
that we usually use to relate to other people.
• Paralinguisticos components: under this term encompasses aspects such as tone of
voice, the fluidity and speed of speech, which modulate the content.
• Non-verbal components: variables such as facial expression, gestures, gaze, the
interpersonal distance. they are communication themselves, and at the same time change
and/or they clarify the content of a message.
Examples of non-verbal components:
• Eye contact
• Facial expressions
• Smile
• Body position/orientation
• Gestures
• Interpersonal distance
• Physical contact
• Personal appearance
Eye contact
Several studies support the fact that socially competent people usually look at the upper half
of the face of the speaker, including the eyes. The fact that the person who looks more,
provokes more communicative response in others is common.
When we are listening, not to look can be interpreted as lack of interest, distraction and
hurry. In general is an invitation to the other so you stop talking.
Facial expressions
The expressions of the face are probably the variable that we see more information of the
emotions of our partners;
The main function of the facial expressiveness is:
Indicate emotions: cross-cultural studies have shown that there are six basic emotions:
• joy
• surprise
• sadness
• fear
• anger
• disgust/contempt
The facial expressions of these emotions are common to all cultures, and innate, that is, we are
born with the ability to emit them, we do not have to show how to do it.
Smile
In general, the smile is the hallmark of pleasant and positive emotions, although it is not always
the case. The smile has a high communicative value, since it can be used with many objectives.
• Regulate a conversation: smile is a way to start a conversation, preparing for the
intervention itself or to invite the person to start talking.
• Gesture of courtesy, to shake hands, to say good bye, etc.
• Express positive emotions: joy, pleasure, fun, excitement and relief
• Mask negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, anger, disgust or fear.
• Express embarrassment or shame
• Flirt
Body posture
The position of our bodies when we communicate, can be as much or more communicative than
the verbal content.
• Approach: the inclination towards the front of the body is sign that we are paying
attention and we're interested in what the other person says.
• Removal: when a communicative situation not us interested, we return the body
backwards, or even remove it.
• Contraction: the body is retracted about himself. It is a reflex posture of depression, State
of low mood, withdrawal and/or insecurity.
• Anger: when we are angry we tend to tilt the body forward and tighten the cuffs.
Silvia Asencio
Psychologist
COMPONENTS OF SOCIAL SKILLS
PARALINGUISTIC COMPONENTS OF SOCIAL SKILLS
Latency
Latency is defined as the time that elapses between the end of the sentence issued by a partner
and the beginning of another by another partner.
Ideal to make the conversation smooth and comfortable for all participants, i.e. leave others to
finish their sentences before about us
Volume
It is the situation that determines the most appropriate volume, although the trend that must guide
us always is not to shout, but at the same time get us you hear with clarity.
THREE BASIC STYLES OF INTERPERSONAL BEHAVIOR: INHIBITED,
AGGRESSIVE AND ASSERTIVE.
Non-assertive behavior: inhibition and "AGGRESSIVENESS"
INHIBITED BEHAVIOR
Submission, passivity, shyness, tendency to adapt too to external rules or wishes of others,
without quite taking into account their interests, feelings and desires
• The advantage of being a passive person is that they rarely get a direct rejection by
others.
• The disadvantage is that others take advantage of one and one ends up accumulating a
burden of resentment and unrest.
“AGGRESSIVE" BEHAVIOR
Non-assertive behavior, opposite of the inhibition.
Not respecting the rights, feelings and interests of others.
In its most extreme form includes: offending, provoking or attacking.
ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR: "I HAVE RIGHTS, SO DO YOU"
Exercise
Tell if the answer in the following examples is assertive, inhibited or aggressive:
1. Your neighbor tends to have the radio on high volume into the wee hours of the night,
and not letting you sleep. You have warned him repeatedly but he doesn’t pay much
attention to you.
It is better that I just take it and not say anything because he could get angry.
2. You are dining in a family house and the host insists that you repeat another dish, but you
no longer wish to eat more.
I really appreciate it, but I don't want more
3. A good friend tells you she is very angry with another common friend. You do not wish
to intervene in this and say:
I'm not interested in your problems.
4. Your partner has criticized you for something that do not seem to be justified.
I don't see it like that. but thank you for telling me what you think.
5. You are in a cinema queue. Someone is moving forward and tries to sneak ahead.
Who do you think you are? Cheeky! Are taking us for fools? Leave right now or...
6. The director has called you to congratulate you on a pretty expensive job you've done.
You answer him:
It has quite a few bugs. It is not as good as I wanted to.
The 10 most frequent your social relations errors
1. Relating everything to yourself
Tip: If you find yourself doing it, stop and focus your attention on your partner again. Perhaps
you're depriving some pleasure, but to give him the opportunity to talk about himself and feeling
good, and emotions are associated with people and situations.
2. Do not reveal private information
Not to mention your weaknesses and try to show you too perfect also is negative.
Tip: Confess a weakness of yours at the beginning and you will results closer and appealing. For
example, if you are at an event with many people and you're nervous, it can be very useful that
you're sincere and tell the person who you just know that this type of events make you feel
somewhat nervous and trying to seem too perfect is also negative.
3. Make too many closed questions
Tip: to keep the conversation flowing, try to ask why and how to deepen the first responses of
your partner.
4. Avoid touching the person who you speak with.
Tip: do not avoid contact. Uses a subtle touch on the shoulder or the upper part of the forearm of
your partner to support your emotions and improve communication, but do not overdo or it will
be uncomfortable.
5. Do not ask his name at the beginning
Tip: don’t take too long to introduce yourself and ask him his name. Both knowing your names
only has advantages.
6. Forget to smile
Tip: Remember that all this works when the smile is perceived as sincere (Duchenne smile). In
any case it is good idea to smile when you meet someone, but monitor that you are not staying
with that expression all the time.
7. Cross you arms
Tip: Although it may be hard and does not seem to you "natural", try to remain with arms
crossed the shortest possible time when you want to make a good impression on someone. If you
want to show rejection, cross them.
8. Point with your feet towards the other side
Tip: If you want to make someone feel that she has your full attention, spend a minute thinking
about what you are doing with your feet. Most charismatic people devoted their attention to their
public and their position does not reveal that they do not want to be there.
9. Not expressing how you feel
Tip: If you want to multiply your social skills, use emotional communication and stop giving
your opinions as if they were the absolute truth. Talk about your feelings and what you believe.
10. Not cuting a conversation that is dying
Tip: It is the last memory is that prevails, ideally finish a conversation when it still has rhythm
and fun. Excuse yourself saying that it has been great, but you have other things to do, and that
you would like to continue the conversation at a later date. The other person will wait for your
next meeting with more enthusiasm.
Silvia Asencio
Psychologist
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